did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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