Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
