if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
