I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Pooping to opera.
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