haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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