Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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