Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
