take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
