He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
