no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
