a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
