there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
