goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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