Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
