I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
