I like to think it a success when the cops are called
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
