I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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