I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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