my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
