I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
