Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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