GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The Olympian is in my bed
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