We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
