the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
