I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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