Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
