I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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