apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
