Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
