dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
