i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
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