did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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