3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
