She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
