Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize