smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
