the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
