is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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