turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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