You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
how drunk are you?
Several
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
