I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
