Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
