you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize