i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
