God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
