You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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