I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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