Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize