Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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