i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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