She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
you inspire me to be a worse person
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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