He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
