Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
