omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
