I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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