wrigley field is MILF paradise
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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