His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
