1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
