I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize