and you said cock pushups were impossible
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
