one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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