Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
