my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Randomize
